Episode 65/Transcript
Jack: No, no what I meant was— Mrs. Zales: What you meant was that you want me to take three days out of my fuckin' work week— (Brittnay starts sneaking through the house) Jack: No, no, it's just Saturday, Sunday, and Monday— Mrs. Zales: Saturday Sunday, Monday is part of my fuckin' work week! I don't have a fucking weekend, I'm not twelve! Jack: Well, I just thought it would be a nice gesture to surprise you with a vacation. Mrs. Zales: Oh yeah, that's wonderful! Surprise, I just pissed away more of your money! Next time you want to surprise me, at least make sure it's fucking refundable! Jack: No, no, I'm paying for it this time. You know those sweaters I've been making with the cats that are doing dog things? Well people are really starting to like 'em on Etsy! Mrs. Zales: Oh, well that's fucking great, Jack! How about next month I spend all of my money on a fucking vacation too? Oh wait, that's right, my family might need food and a goddamn roof over their heads! Jack: Well, I just thought we could use a weekend away for a little, you know, romance— Mrs. Zales: Just fuck me, Jack! That's it, fuck me! I don't need a cruise, I don't need a vacation! I don't even need the fucking lights turned off, Jack. I just need that big, beautiful, dick of yours! (Brittnay turns on Mackenzie's computer) Brittnay: Ha, nice fucking wallpaper, you fucking twat. C'mon, download already. Jesus. Eh, fuck her. Alright, done. (she gets ready to exit the room, but then quickly hides out of sight) (Jack and Mrs. Zales walk past the doorway) Mrs. Zales: Hey, easy on the ass, I'm still a little sore from last night. Jack: Yeah, same here. Brittnay: Oh, lovely. Well, now I know what's gonna be on the inside of my nightmares tonight. Fucking gross. Shay: How'd it go? Brittnay: A bit more disturbing than I'd planned, but I've got the video. Shay: Good, let's see what's on this fucking thing. Brittnay: Wait, you don't know what's on it? Shay: No, all I know is that it's bad. It's real bad. But I could never get to it because I don't have the password to Mackenzie's computer. By the way, what is her password? Brittnay: "Fuck you Shay". Shay: What the fuck, you don't want to tell me? Brittnay: No, idiot, the password is "fuck you Shay". Shay: Oh! No numbers, huh? Not too safe. Alright, here we go. (on video) Mackenzie: (She walks away from the camera and sits down on her bed. She then picks up a balloon with Edward Cullen's face on it) Oh Edward, I didn't think you would find me here in the woods. Oh! I can't wait to be a vampire so we can finally make loove. Oh can't we do it now, I can't wait! I want your glistening vampire penis inside of my human vagina! Edward... I'm not afraid. (picks up a balloon with Jacob Black's face on it, gasps) Jacob! You're here in the woods too!? Oh Jacob, please don't be jealous. Please no, I can't help the way I feel. (gasps as she rubs the balloons together) No boys, don't fight over me! Oh no, you're ripping each other's clothes off. Boys! (stops rubbing the balloons) There's enough of me for the both of you! (lies down and starts moaning as she rubs the balloons against her body) (real life) Shay: Oh God, she's gonna fuck those balloons. Brittnay: This whole family's got weird shit going on. Shay: Why would she even keep this? Brittnay: Because Shay, sometimes when God gets tired of fucking you over, he gives you a wonderful beautiful gift. And this, is that gift. (video) (Jacob balloon pops) Mackenzie: (gasps) Jacob! Noooooooooo! (real life) Brittnay: C'mon, let's upload this to YouTube. Shay: No, no, no, no, no, I want to see her face. So here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna swap this video with the end of the year video that they're showing at Tanner Christiansen's party. That way, we can watch as Mackenzie Zales is publicly destroyed once and for all. Brittnay: Yeah fine, we can do that too. How'd you even find out about this anyway? (flashback) Mikayla: I understand you may have some information for someone trying to destroy Mackenzie Zales. Katelynn: Depends. What are you offering? Mikayla: How do you feel about smelly markers? Katelynn: What do you want to know? (present) Brittnay: Jesus, Shay what the fuck's going on down there? Shay: It's the annual Van Buren Family Reunion. Why don't you come down and meet everybody? Brittnay: Ehhhhh... I'd rather go take a shit. Shay: Oh come on! (Downstairs) Shay: Hey everyone! I want you to meet Brittnay. She's a temporary honorary Van Buren cousin. Say hi! Everyone: Hiye! Spanish Van Buren: Hola! French Van Buren: Bonjour! Western Van Buren: Howdy! (everyone stops except Jayna) Jayna: —iye! Mommy always wins. Brittnay: Jesus fuck. They have an army. Shay: Yeah, we've got a pretty big family. Jayna: Shay! I didn't realize you were bringing a friend! Shay: Oh no Mom, she's not my friend. We're doing an enemy of my enemy thing. Jayna: Oh, I've been there. Remember Karen? Shay: You mean Aunt Karen? Jayna: Yeah that bitch. Hey Karen! Let me introduce you to everybody. Fair warning, we're all very successful. That over there, that is Shay's Aunt Christie, she's an astronaut. Over there is Aunt Alex the Pastry Chef, Aunt Sandra, she's the Scuba Diver, Cousin Trixie the Cop, Cousin Allison the Firefighter, Cousin Margie the Pilot, her sister Marie the Ninja, and, well, I don't know who that is. Brittnay: It's me, Brittnay. The one you've been talking to? Jayna: Oh right, oh right, oh right, oh right. Now I want you girls to know that I do not mind if you drink as long as it's here in my house. I'm not gonna go tattle on you to your mothers. Shay: You are my mother. Jayna: Yes, that's right, thank you Shay. It would be hard for me to tattle on me. To me. Right. Jayna: Anyway. I just want to make sure you two drink responsibly. You do know what I mean when I say that, right? Shay: Not to excess? Jayna: No, I mean use a coaster. We have nice furniture here, Shay. We also have plenty of food. Speaking of which, Belinda! Belinda: You rang? Jayna: Yes Belinda, I just want you to make sure that those shrimp puffs aren't getting soggy. Belinda: Shrimp puffs? No those are just undercooked tater tots. Either way, the food I serve is never not soggy. Soggy's kind of my thing. Jayna: Well alright then. Oh no, would you look at that! It seems like somebody's drunk all the wine out of mommy's glass. Who... would have done that? Belinda: Okay, are you actually so drunk that you don't know who drank the wine out of your glass, or is this just a bit that you're doing? Jayna: No, no, no, no it's a bit. Now, please go get me more wine. Belinda: There. Isn't it nice when we treat each other like fucking adults? Mikayla: Maybe those kinds of bullshit fiscal policies fly out in Palo Alto, but I live in the real world Aunt Marie. It's called trickle-down economics, you stupid bitch. Cameron: Hey everybody, sorry I'm late, forty-seven year old boyfriend, you know how that can be—WHAT THE FUCK! Everyone: Hiye! Cameron: Shut up! (everyone gasps) Cameron: Ugh, sorry, hiye. Now where was I? Oh yeah. What the fuck is she doing here?! Brittnay: You don't want none of this bitch. Not in the mood. Shay: Fuckin' chill out Cameron! She's fuckin', fuckin' cool, man. She's on my team now. Fuckin' Team Shay. Team Shay-Brittnay. Sh-sh-Shittnay. Shittnay. Fuckin' TagHash Team Shittnay. Brittnay: No. No. We're not called Team Shittnay. Shay: Fine, cool cool. TagHash Team Enemy is Enemy Let's Just Be Friends. Cameron: Jesus Cesar Chavez, Shay, are you drunk already? Shay: I don't know Cameron, are you fuckin' dumb already? Now if you're gonna excuse me, I have to go get it. Cameron: Get what Shay? What are you even fucking talking about? Brittnay: I blame it on genetics. Cameron: You know what? Don't even fucking start with me, okay? I mean what the fuck are you even doing here, you bubble butt? Don't sit on my mom's furniture, I don't want your fucking crabs everywhere. I mean seriously! The dog's already itching. Did you fuck the dog, Brittnay? Don't look in the mirror, because I don't want mirrors to have residual images of your fucking cunt look. I'm getting so mad, that I'm getting blood pressure issues. And I can't get rid of them because I'm on meds to calm myself. And if I take my meds, then my fucking boyfriend will say my vagina dried. And I'm gonna—it's all gonna be your fault, Brittnay. My vaginal dryness will be on your hands, Brittnay. On your hands! Belidna: She's here?! She's here?! Wait, move, move, move! Get the fuck out of my way! (Pterodactyl screams) (sees Cameron in a heavenly light) Uhhhhhhhhhhhh... Brittnay: What the fuck is she doing? Cameron: Ugh, she does this sometimes. Belinda! Belidna: (snaps out of it) Oh, oh, oh, oh, excuse me, Cammie. Cammie, oh, oh! How fancy seeing you here! Cameron: At my house? Belinda, what did the judge say? He said 800 yards. This is not 800 yards! Don't you have an Amber Alert you should be running from? Belinda: Have you tried my soggy taters yet? Cameron: Belinda, that better not mean what I think it means. Belinda: Uh, no, I was actually talking about literal soggy potato appetizers. Cameron: Yeah, that's exactly what I thought you meant. G to the ross! Belinda: Understood, understood. Oh well in that case, would you like to see my vagina hole? Cameron: Alright, on that note, I am out! See everybody next year! Byeeeee! (the door doesn't budge) Ugh. (tries again) Byeeee! Why is the door locked? (tries to open the door again) Byee—Why did we lock it if we're all inside? (the door finally unlocks) Ugh, ugh, good good. Byeeeeeee! (Cameron leaves) Belinda: Ah, it was quick. But just enough for the spank bank. Trisha: Pssst! Brittnay! Brittnay! Brittnay: Trisha? What are you doing here? Trisha: I had a great idea for something to add to your video! ...What are you doing at Shay Van Buren's house? Brittnay: I'm not doing the Mercenary stuff anymore Trisha. I'm doing this new thing with Shay. Trisha: Oh okay, how can I help? Brittnay: You don't want to be a part of this Trisha. Shay: Fuckin' high school should be called fuckin' dumb school. Jayna: Shay sweetie, I want you—I think—Shay, I think you've had enough to drink. Shay: Oh really, could a drunk person do—''(drops bottle)'' oh, shit. Jayna: Okay yeah, you've had too much—''(drops glass)'' oh, shit. Brittnay: You don't want to be a part of this. No one wants to be a part of this. Mackenzie has to be taught a lesson, and if I have to work with Shay Van Buren to teach her that lesson, then so be it. But I'm not gonna drag you down with me. Get out of here kid. (Trisha 2 and Mackenzie are shown) Trisha 2: Only this time, they're called the Sticky Bandits. Trisha: Hey. Trisha 2: Ooh! Switch! Ok, you're explaining the plot of the movie Home Alone 2! Trisha: No, Trisha 2. It's over. Trisha 2: What's over? Trisha: (sighs) We're not doing the Trisha Exchange Program anymore. Trisha 2: Oh, okay. Trisha: Brittnay's working with Shay Van Buren now. Mackenzie: WHAT?! Trisha: I saw it with my own two eyes. Brittnay and Shay are on the same side. They don't need me anymore. They don't need any of us. Mackenzie: Wh--why the fuck would Brittnay do that? Mrs. Zales: (enters the room playing on her phone) Oh, Brittnay? Yeah, I forgot to tell you she came over earlier. Mackenzie: What?! Mrs. Zales: Yeah, she was dressed kind of weird, acting kind of quiet. Me and your step-father just ignored her. Mackenzie: What the fuck Mom?! Mrs. Zales: (mockingly) What the fuck Mackenzie?! Mackenzie: What the fuck did she want? Mrs. Zales: I don't know, me and your step-father were having a very serious conversation. (sits down, groaning) She went up to your room. Mackenzie: My room? (gasps) No no no no no no no no... (runs up to her room) Please tell me she didn't... (her computer gives a "FILE NOT FOUND" message) God-''dammit!!'' Katelynn: (inhales marker) Maybe next time you won't be so stingy with your smelly markers. Oh, oh no, here come the marker spins. (faints)